Hello to all of Clifford's friends,
At 7:30pm tonight, July 13, 2010, Clifford George Jackson moved from this world into the next. I was honored to be at his side during this process and with his permission I am honored to write this, the final post on his blog.
On many of his earlier posts, Cliffy had indicated that his life had not always been good but he never quite told the whole story. Part of this was because he didn't want to be pitied. He didn't want to be stereotyped as "broken" or "damaged". And yet when he arrived in my home and in my life he was broken and damaged. Cliffy's owner passed away and his owner's wife took him to the animal shelter to be euthanized. Fortunately the Schnauzer Rescue, Cincinnati, found him and asked me to foster him and adopt him. When he arrived, he was terrified of everything.
It took months of love and encouragement, especially from Mikey, the wonderful, exuberant rescue Schnauzer and his new brother. Slowly we started to see Cliffy emerge and were delighted to meet this wonderful, loving dog, who was quiet, gentle and funny! We settled into a wonderful life of fun and love. Last year in October we had a setback when Mikey very suddenly passed away. Cliffy was devastated, but slowly he started to enjoy being the only dog and getting all the attention. His fabulous personality that you have all come to know, came out in full force. I loved watching this metamorphosis. I loved seeing Cliff enjoying life and commanding attention.
As you know over the past few months Cliffy has been showing his age. He had lost his hearing and most of his vision and his strength was starting to diminish, but he was still CLIFFY. This weekend that changed. Another bout of pancreatitis flared up and after trying to keep him comfortable at home I finally had to take him to the vet. He had one seizure last night and five seizures this morning. I went to visit him at lunchtime today and he was in a great deal of pain, despite being on pain medication. This evening I went to see him. He had another seizure. I have never seen him in so much pain and distress. It was time to let him go.
From the moment Clifford came into my life I knew we were on borrowed time and I knew that every moment we had together was something to be cherished. Tonight that time came to an end, and I am extraordinarily sad. This little dog, who had endured so much, has taught me so much. I was in awe of him for being willing to trust me after all the bad things that humans had done to him before. It was a valuable and necessary lesson for me to learn. His dignity in the face of his physical challenges was incredible and I will carry that lesson with me as I face challenges of my own.
In his life Cliffy has experienced a great deal of pain. Today it was physical pain. but it has been a different kind of pain he has experience before. But I realized tonight that as awful as pain is, and as much as it can dominate one's life, it eventually ends. Maybe relief comes from medication or recovery or perhaps even the final release as was the case tonight. So pain, and probably most other things are temporary. What is enduring and constant is love. Not the love that binds one to another, but the perfect kind of love that holds you when you need to be held and lets you go gently when it is time to go. Its not easy to find this kind of love. As humans we want to to possess and own the things we love. Our dogs and other animals teach us more about this kind of true love. They love us without expectation and when we often don't deserve to be loved. They allow us to be more vulnerable than we would dare to be with another human. They live in the moment and we can try to learn that from them.
Maybe because he came into my life late in his life, I never felt like I "owned" Cliff. I knew what I needed to do was to love him and that would be enough. And I think that is probably always enough. So, tonight I am here with Olive. Very out of character, Olive is sitting next to me. There is no doubt that she knows Cliffy has gone. We are both sad and there will be little to console us until we get used to this new reality.
Clifford George Jackson came into my life on March 28 2008. I will cherish every memory I have of him. I could not have loved him more, I think I loved him enough for several lifetimes.
My deepest gratitude goes to the Schnauzer Rescue, Cincinnati for giving me the privilege of caring for Clifford for the last part of his life, also to all of you who have shared his stories, and mostly to Clifford George Jackson, for sharing his life with me.
The Human of Clifford George Jackson
Namaste Cliffy - see you soon babe.
